yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
