I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
