my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
