The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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