did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Randomize
