My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
