it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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