My liver just broke up with me...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
