They should really pass out barf bags in church
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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