i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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