im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
