It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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