I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
