If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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