It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
