i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
