i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
