I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
