and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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