3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My bed smells like the plague
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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