Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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