I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
