i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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