A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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