: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
