he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
