I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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