Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
