addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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