I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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