It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
