If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
