If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
