did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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