you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
