People with herpes should wear stickers.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
