I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
