I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
