: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
