I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
