jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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