so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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