I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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