My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
