Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
