Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
