R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
