You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
