god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
