Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
