is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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